Return to my Self

Memories.....

2011-03-06T22:15:00.002+08:00

I look back the days...
The photographs....
The moments....
Times flies, memories lives forever...

Jakarta, 06 March 2010

When everything is on God's plan

2011-03-03T22:46:00.002+08:00

Today was actually the day that I have been waiting for these few seasons...
Finally, it has arrived.
The only thing that I can say is God actually has a plan on us. He will guide us, give us everything we need on the right timing, as long as we keep trying and working harder.
Never lose our faith. God is my redemption.
I heart you my God.
Thank you for today.

This is it

2011-02-23T01:21:00.001+08:00

What a relief,
Finally, I came to the end of this
Thanks for making me realize
That love is a strong courage...

Never give up on chasing your love,
Every one deserve to be loved
So if you find your past relationship wasn't right
Never stop believing,
Take all the bad experience to move on,
Because love is the key to happiness.

Jakarta, 23-02-2011

I try to

2011-02-22T12:27:00.002+08:00

I try to letting go all my hates
I hope I am doing right this time
People say time could heal
I say, time couldn't
But the heart will ....

Jakarta, 22-02-2011

My Heart goes....

2011-02-21T10:35:00.002+08:00

In such period moments
I see them chasing their dreams
Some friends on their Master Degree
Taking it on the city that I heart to...

Oh God,
Am I doing right over here?
Why everything seems so tough?
If this is my call why it so hard for me to letting go my past?
I wish I were me before,
But I know, I just couldn't.

I keep this faith and trust on you
Please be bond my spirit
Believing for this time being...
Every time I breath, I breath my soul...

Jakarta, 21-02-2011

It's been a while

2011-01-27T11:17:00.005+08:00

It's been a while until today

I treasured so much in life for the past few seasons
I have been drifted to my very last energy
I almost lost everything that I could have
I almost lost my self...

I saw dark cloud, I felt the rejection, I felt tremendous pain
I felt betrayed so bad, to my own life...
I gambled everything I have for losing...
I disgraced my own conviction, my own believer...
I sucked it all for my own selfness and like a jar, it's broken into pieces
Happen couple times until I enjoyed it...

Wasn't easy for me to get up...
Wasn't easy...
You might unable to count how many times I failed on this.
How many times I was blaming everybody, everyone...
So many times until the only thing that I still remember is to find a way to run, escaping...
But I just couldn't.

Until today,
I still feel the loneliness, the emptiness, something is missing.
But mostly part of my heart are evolving greater...
Chasing and pushing ....
Life goes on, and I am just a survivor....

It's been a while...

Have you ever felt your energy is drained to the last drop yet you ain't stop and still keep going? If you do, trust me you are raising the bar, doing something bold in your life and it can only be as rewarding as you want it to be.

I am walking this task, I am.

Jakarta, 27 January 2011

2009-02-04T00:17:00.009+08:00

One sleepy night,
One man with his solitude moment,
Remember about one time of his life,
His childhood time.
What a lovely episode of life.
He was a village boy....
Fooling with sands, scrumbling with water, breathing with dust were his life.
That village boy thought,
Earth is his ground, wind is his comb, and sun is his tanning tone.
The boy was simply amazed.
Felt the breeze of the wind,
Went flow with the wave of the river,
Breath with the dew in the morning,
Watched the sunset at the dawn,
Counted the stars at night,
Run with the blue sky,
Cycled with the forest on his panorama.

That village boy....
Lived in a ugly wobby box.
One wobby box...
with the paints were sallow over it,
and the timber board were spilled out from where it taken,
and the over hanged pitch roof was awful.
It was so dull, so when you see it from distance it just look like a hoval.
Heated when tremendous sun came out,
Leaked when poured by the heavy rain.

Therefore, that boy was the witness,
How powerful the thunder and light,
Smacked anything against them.
Till the thunder become his obsess,
and the smell of the rain become his pleasure.

Time moved,
That boy left the village,
Stuck at a monstrous place.
He grinned, and the smile were reluctant.
He didn't speak English, don't played video game,
and was unsure of the fact of computer.

Everybody playing with their nintendo...
Crashing virus on the computer was a trend,
And the place called mall was booming.
They boy was scared.
He only know how to hide.
Hidden from his new world,
By school bag and water bottle.

They like to go Bali.
To go to Australia. To go to French,
Bounding their true love there.
They like to go to America, to wrest a signature of the Hollywood stars.
Oh they go Japan, to take back the control from the colonized.
But they boy never went anywhere.
Because he was hidden, yet, one more time.

They like to have dinner together, at that place called mall.
One family with all the members. Complete members.
They dined and shared the fun there.
They boy like to watch it.
One more time,
The boy was hidden on his dream.
Dreaming of his complete family members take a dine together.

Time moved again,
The boy became a man.
He is working at a far distance.
To the place that he never thought about.
Never dare to thought about.
Like a sin of his imagination.
And this time he handling good the computer.

Things are changed.
Load, hardness, lust are everywhere.
The man stuck on his knee. bended knees.
He is scare.
He is missing the village.
The man is crying inside his heart.
The world is too big for him.
Abundance of illusion.

The man missing his ugly wobbly box.
Mostly one Lady there.
The Lady who gave him life.
the Lady who never say enough of pain, sour, and failure in her life.
the Lady who never gave him a single chance to play nintendo, never let him went to Bali.
Never let him own a computer.
That poor lady in the wobbly box, who has nothing but love.
A sincere love.

Tonight,
The man is missing his lady in the wobby box.
He wanted to tell to the lady, soon, he will having a holiday trip, to somewhere in a distance.
Something new....but still not Bali. no, not yet.
But still,
He is missing his wobby box.
and scare about tomorrow.
He is hiding again.
The only best thing he can do is hiding.
so he can be grounded.

The man, now, with his pride,
telling everybody,
he is never regrets,
grown in a village, raised by poor lady, making him even more,
More ready, for tomorrow, for whatever it takes,
Hope one fine day,
He can bring the lady of the wobby box go to French, or at least, Bali.

I love you, Mom!
Thanks for all the love that always be with me. i love you, and always do.

"The sweetest sounds to mortals given
Are heard in Mother, Home, and Heaven."

Singapore, 4 February 2009

Chapter 3

2008-11-23T18:56:00.006+08:00

Jakarta, 15 April 2004

Menatapnya membuat aku penuh nafsu,
Ingin aku segera merangkulnya,mengekangnya...
Tak membiarkannya pergi,
Tak sedetikpun, lepas dari nafsuku...

Menatapnya juga mengiris hatiku,
Pecuti jiwaku,
Merobek nuraniku...

Aku tak tahu apa yang terjadi
Aku kehilangan kata-kata,
namun aku sadar
Sebuah mimpi yang tak akan terwujud
Sekali lagi menghampiriku..

Aku menulis ini untuk mencurahkan padamu,
Aku ingin menjadi awam,
Tak perlu merasa begitu bernafsu untuknya,
Tak perlu meratapi diri sendiri...

Aku membutuhkamu pelitaku,
Yakinkan aku, ada sesuatu disana, meskipun jauh, dah entah kapan pun,
akan ada,
sesuatu yang aku mau...
membuat ku tersenyum..

Jakarta,30 Maret 2004

Ketika emosi itu tiba-tiba datang,
aku merelakannya,
Dia menjajah pikiranku,mengendalikanku,
Membuatku seperti ranting yang terbang,
Lupa bahwa akarku sangat mencintaiku.

Saat aku merasakan betapa munafiknya aku,
Betapa besar nafsuku mewujudkan ilusiku,
Aku hancur, aku hanyut,
Membiarkan pelindungku pergi...

Aku tidak munafik...
Aku ingin itu, ingin sekali kumiliki, ingin sekali..
Aku tak perduli lagi,
Meski busuk dan hina,
tetap kukorbankan diriku...

Argh!!!!
Kepada siapa aku bisa berteriak?
Aku mohon, pergilah dari jiwaku, pergi jauh!!
Jangan kurungi aku lagi, tolong pergi...

Ingin aku terbang,
Berbaring, dan bersandar,
Di pelukmu, di relug belaianmu,
Aku lelah,
Dan ini terlalu berat,
Tahukah kamu, aku kesepian,
dan sangat menyakitkan...

Saat katub mataku tak kuasa menahan lelahnya,
aku berharap mampu tuk melepasnya...
Aku berharap aku sadar akan emosi itu...
Aku ingin ilusi itu, oh, ingin sekali, meskipun salah....
meskipun sampai detik ini,
Aku belum bisa memilikinya...

ilusi itu kuat sekali,
Mengunciku,
Aku lelah, aku ingin tidur
Biarkan aku tidur,
Di dalam periduan ini,dan bangun...
Berharap dengan sesuatu kepastian...

Jakarta, 26 Febuary 2003,

Saat aku ingin sekali mencarinya,
Saat aku hanya terpaku untuknya,
Ketika seluruh nafasku hanya untuknya,
Lupa aku akan kekuatanku,
dan Ingin aku dirangkulnya...

Saat harapan tidak akan berbagi kesempatan lagi,
Saat ku sadari dia pasti pergi,
dan saat aku merasakannya,
Ada satu titik yang tidak akan pergi,
dan titik itu menopangku,
Menahanku,
Dan memberikan dirinya padaku...

Old Memories chapter 2

2008-11-19T22:55:00.003+08:00

Ada setitik cahaya kuning disana,
Indah, sungguh berkilau,
Tapi dimakan kelamnya hujan.
Ada sesuatu yang kurasakan,
dari pantulan titik cahaya kuning itu,
yang mengkristal di butir-butir hujan.
Tetesan yang membasahi, menyirami,
Setiap makhluk di bawahnya.

Berteduhlah....
Di bawah jembatan itu makhluk kecil...
Kuatkanlah tubuhmu.
Aku tahu engkau kedinginan,
Seperti hatiku yang membeku.

Saat angin mulai bertiup semakin kencang,
dan Butir-butir tarian indah itu seakan mengiringi tarian pohon,
Wahai makhluk kecil, sungguhkah engkau terlindungi disana?
Karena aku tahu, kamu kuyup terbasahi...

Saat melodi lagu pun memaksaku melihatmu,
Memandanginmu,
Menikmatimu dengan penuh hasrat,
Wahai sinar kuning...
Tahukah kamu,
bahwa begitu suci dirimu...

Sinar kuning,
Kau menahan dan mencegah dingin itu masuk dan merasuki dia...
Meneranginya,
Sehingga tubuh mungil itu tetep mampu dialiri darahnya,
Membangkitkan sebuah pelita kecil,
Dalam kelamnya hujan ini.

Ingin juga aku menyerahkan diriku padamu..
Merasakan sinarmu menyentuhku..
Membangkitkanku..
dari air yang merendamku..
Wahai cahaya kuning,
aku tahu kamu sengaja hadir untukku..
Dan untuk itu aku semakin kuat...

Jakarta, 26-02-2003

Old Memories

2008-11-16T23:45:00.007+08:00

Old memories of mine,

“The best things in life come in threes, like friends, dreams, and memories.”

"You will look back on the times you laughed and you will cry. You will look back on the times you cried, and you will laugh. You will always remember close friends, and you will always keep memories of them in your heart. Life is hard, it's tough, an"

“Memories are the treasures that we keep locked deep within the storehouse of our souls, to keep our hearts warm when we are lonely.

Jakarta,14-04-2002

Ketika desah kecewa dan raguku terbit,
Menerobos, menerjang, dan menghardik relug hatiku,
Menyulutkan api kecutku, membakari gelora cemasku,
Dan tanpa perantara, mengalirkan hatiku ke seberang,
Menyelusuri parit demi parit naluriku,
Memaksakan nuraniku berkelit
Dan, aku tau,
Aku terjerembab kembali...

Sigh...
Syarafku yang lemah menundukkan ragaku
Hmn,tapi tolong,
Aku mohon biarkan perasaan ini segera terbang menerawang dunia lain,
Tinggalkan sukmaku,
Dan jeruji keji ini hendaknya lari....

Jakarta, 25 - 04 - 2002,

Biarkan aku tumbuh...
Biarkan aku tahu,
Biarkan aku merasakan...
Apa arti hidup ini....

Jakarta,29-04-2002,

Saat segala sesuatu berjalan cepat sekali,
Saat semua berlari bersama langkahnya,
Saat semua sibuk berlomba menjadikan impiannya nyata,
Mereka tak tahu,
Mudah baginya jatuh, dan terhentak...

Kekosongan pun hadir,
Rasakan,
Kehampaan yang menyelimuti diri,
Memaksamu pergi menyerah,
Perlahan menghanyutkanmu...menyelusuri arus ini...

Dan aku seakan lupa akan segalanya,
Lupa diriku...
Dan detak lonceng membahana itu terasa bisu,
Membiuskanku,
Aku hanya mampu duduk, mematung dalam sunyi.

Hmn,
Butir demi butir hujan turun,
Padamu kuberikan...butir demi butir hatiku,
Leburkan dalam sejuknya angin,
Berikan aku kegetiran, Puaskan kesepianku.

Dan,
Saat aku merasakan sinar itu menghangatku,
Sinar yang mengirimkan telepatimu untukku,
Bersujud aku dalam keheninganku,
Aku tahu...
Semuanya berjalan hidup,
Dan engkau tetap menopang...
Oh aku sungguh bersyukur,
Aku mampu berserah padamu,
dan engkau memenangiku....

copyright by me.

For someone that i miss so

2008-11-16T18:46:00.004+08:00

I'am missing you,
Wondering why my mind is locking by you
My illusion never dies on you,
Keep holding me back, its living here and believing in me,
Never wanna try to fly away.

Like a pure daily wind blowing a song in every second,
It has spirit never tell a lie,
and even this tought has never been discribed,
Its given me strength,
given me faithfull,
oh I am missing you so...

Dear, i just can say your name which mine too...
and I am not unforgiveable sinner,
I know my heart and i wont ignore it,
Please break the wave of the ocean, try it!try to crash the shores!if u want to.. But it wont working, dear,
They are like my heart,
Wont lie, always telling the truth
Its naturally being nature
Keep singing that i miss you dear...

A journey must be done with faith,trust, and understanding..
And we cant stop the time,
Sun will never stop to shines,
Rain will never stop to falling down,
and my life, my dear, keep going on,
Simplify, searching, and find the meaning of it...

oh Dear, my heart is never being lonely,

Once i am start to imagine about our moments,
Sharing times and times together,
And those twinkles little stars are brighten up beautifully,
Whispering me your voice, your breath,
and blushing my darkness away

Believe in our self dear,
Trust me, we are not that different at all,
Give our self more streght, make it stronger,
Dear...
People could say anything,
But, They just dont know the truth is,
I believe in my self, and yes, of course on you too.
Praying on you,
Praying to God, to keep us closer in heart,
Oh dear, i am missing you so...

For someone that i missing so....
Writen on Friday, 11 august 2000 (21:30 - 22:05WIB)

half a world away

2008-11-16T13:13:00.005+08:00

Half a world away

You're half a world away
Standing next to me
It seems that every day
I'm loosing you almost invisibly
Though you are near
I can't reach that far
Across to where you are
And so you stay
Just half a world away

And I would coss
The universe for you
What good would it do
If you weren't even there?
Till you return
And untill your way is clear
I will be here
Not half a world away

You're half a world away
And noone is to blame
If love outlives its day
And turns into an ember from a flame
I love you as before
Till words will be nomore
Till I can't find a way
To where you stay
Just half a world away

by Secreet Garden

Everytime when i listening to this song,
My soul is dancing,
Mudlling me...
You are there,and yes i am here,
How i wish i can catch your shadow, hold it, and keep in grip of mine
and Embrace my heart with your glare...i miss you....